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20121101
20121130
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 64 (some duplicates have been removed)
) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anythin
, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term, he will be white. ( laughter ) at this point, i think he owes that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe
? what do you think? you think i do this night after night for your amusement? i do it for america. what's the point? ( cheers and applause ) ( sighs ) ( laughter ) >> who the win the $10,000 prize? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, um, all right, fine. all right, let's-- ah, let's do this. um, so, if i have to, i have to. let's talk about the big election. last night, due to the technicality called the constitution, barack obama was re-elected president. though-- ( cheers ) ( applause ) uh. ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, keep in mind, keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. it was like a 51-49er, okay. just because obama won the blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? romney won all that red stuff. why don't we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. louisiana, n'awlins loves mi-rawmnah. but, but, evidently, here's the deal. of the nine key swing states, balm wo
-free alternative to halloween candy which is so important, what with america's childhood obesity epidemic. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay well, okay, so so you do care about the children. >> yeah, sure, why not. >> trick or treat. >> stephen: oh, hey, well, okay, tom, i guess i stand corrected. i don't recognize any of these guys. who are all of you. >> i'm dr. goose. >> i'm isaac. >> i'm duster. >> and i'm together we are a manifestation of the same spirit through timesharing a common universal human yearning! (cheers and applause) who wants a dvd. >> larry crown, larry crown. >> stephen: now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! these four kids are all the characters that you play in your new movie cloud ats will -- atlas. >> stephen, i'm insulted. i actually play two others. i know, six characters in one movie. isn't it great. >> i smell oscar buzz. (applause) >> stephen: all right, all right, all right. come on. come on. you know. >> you know, kids are so perceptive. >> stephen: tom, i'm disappointed in you. this was never about helping people. this is a cynical manipulation of
to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message. ♪ you don't know you're beautiful, oh, oh,. ♪ that's what makes you beautiful ♪ >> stephen: "you don't know you're beautiful. that's what makes you beautiful." first of all, great dating advice. ( laughter ) remember, girls, low self-esteem, very attractive to men. guys always go for the low-hanging fruit, okay, easy pickin 's. second, the liibs are incredibly complex, because the boys are singing, "you do
america stepped back from greatness. oh, let's see, what's the best way to send the rescu rescue-- russ keyes a message. a tense u.s. security council meeting, no, you light up the goddamn moon way nuclear haloso bright kruschev can read pravda at midnight. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, and what milk toast nancy pants pussied out on our nuclear lunar program? eisenhower. sure, ike beat the nazis but what about the moon nazies? oh, they don't exist? that's just what moon hitler wants you to believe. instead, instead we chose lunar appeasement. and it is just emboldened the moon. i swear last week that thing was half the size. this nation, i say this nation must nuke the moon before it can acquire nuclear weapons of its own. and don't think it isn't trying because we know it is teamed up with fundamentalist islam. (laughter) folks, if you ask me, you shouldn't be asking me because i ask the questions around here. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, one of the very biggest losers of the recent election was traditional marriage. you see three mor
flies over canada on his way to america from the north pole and occasionally he'll stop at a tim horton's so his reindeer can use the bathroom. (laughter) word to the wise: don't go in after donner, okay? (laughter) there's a reason his name is german for "thunder." (laughter) but he doesn't stop in canada. i mean, think about it. a flying bearded man delivering toys all over the world in a single night? that doesn't make any sense. he only has time to do it in one country. so obviously he's going with america. (cheers and applause) why do you think people come from all over the world to live here? our health care? no. (laughter) we have santa. so don't worry, canadian kids, you still have a santa, it's just a canadian santa. every year i believe it rotates to a different canadian celebrity. last year it was nelly furtado-claus. this year it's rush. so that jingle you hear on the roof is just neil peart breaking into a 45 minute high hat solo. (laughter) now, folks, it is the christmas season and the fact that canada doesn't get one brings us all joy. (laughter) but let's not forget tha
expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org is snupt tonight, do government officials make good role models for our kids? well, they don't make good role models for our adults. (laughter) and my guest, former speaker newt gingrich has a new novel about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina
. ♪ ♪ >> the subject of tonight's particulars. america, our nation is at risk of squandering its proud progressions of hard work sobriety, and calvinism because the irish, a slacker group who just wants stuff and who corpse beef, anyway? beef was meant to be boiled. to lynch it of its captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. i could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on hi
to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for people like you. fun, busy. youngish. i think this marketing campaign is greatish. these hey these cans of soup can't get any more dope. they come in a bag now. yeah. look at that guy. look that guy right there. he's going, what up, soup? just jam a straw in it. >> it's like capri soup. and because it's so hip home slice. you're not going to see ads on the tv. that's for squares. you got to surf over to the campbell go website with edgy tumbler graphics and relentless energy one associates with soup. of course, you're probably thinking, what's soup without music. that's what i thought. they've got that covered that to
for political advantage! america's facing some serious problems! there are times to run and then there are times to govern! we need to come together, let it go, move on, god! (applause) (laughter) so what are the numbers? >> the public policy polling survey asked iowa democrats and republicans last week whond they would like to see as their nominee. for the democrat, hillary clinton the overwhelmingly top pick. 58%. followed by joe biden. for the republicans, their top favorites mike huckabee, chris christie, marco rubio, paul ryan. >> stephen: yes, 2016 is on! (laughter) which means any moment now arizona should be finished counting their 2012 ballots. (laughter) now, folks, i've got to tell you, this 2016 thing is really pre-heating up. but i say why stop at 2016? (laughter) i need to know the early favorites for 2020. (cheers and applause) how is chelsea clinton stacking up against tag romney? (laughter) more importantly, will tag be able to ward off a last-ditch challenge by mitt romney? (laughter) oh, he's running. and as america's premier news reader, it's my duty to stay way way ahead of
wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. i mean just listen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just listen to what she said on my show last week. >> it's sexy, don't you think? >> stephen: you mean lincoln or daniel-day lewis. was lincoln sexy? >> i think so and i'
to make. you see, i am the author of two glowing books about myself. i am america, and so you can. and the new america again, rebecome the greatness we never weren't. it's a best-seller. makes a great christmas gift. (applause) >> stephen: and folks, it's time for me to come clean. i had an improper relationship with my biographer-- (laughter) spent a lot of time alone with the author of these booksment theres with a connection and let's just say he got a little handsy. and i did thinks-- things i never thought i would do. but have been doing for decades. (laughter) i'm sorry. now folks, even i can sometimes get a story wrong. for example last week i said the three branches of government were executive, judicial and santa maria. it, in fact, shemp. (laughter) now i also said that super pac would be 9 deciding factor in the 2012 election. i might have even founded one, colbert super pac. i don't know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised. i didn't really make that big of a deal of it. (laughter) you see me and everybody e
to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said it's the way he didn't say it. >> the president had a very intent look on his face. i wouldn't describe it as a mean look, i would describe it as a man looking for opportunities to strike. >> governor romney, it seemed to me, had this kind of benign default expression in which he appears to be interested most of the time, he has a slight smile on his face but not a smug one. i wonder if hi his was not the more attractive default expression. (laughter) >> stephen: yes! romney's face totally kicked obama's face's ass. (laughter)
's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indians call them maze. but folks we all know thanksgiving is just a preamble to the holiest day the year, black friday. when americans-- when americans come together to bow before their lord the wal-mart rollback guy. because jesus isn't the only one who is saved. and black friday, because black friday las biblical roots. that's when the three wise men got that killer buy gold and frankincense get one myrrh free, deal. and folks this year was a great one for retailers. >> sales broke records both on-line and in stores. a total of $247 million people shopped. that's a 9% increase over last year's numbers. each shoppe
me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing-- the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. and this generation will go down in history for demanding different soup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) according-- according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of sumes designed for people like us-- fun, busy, youngish. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i think this marketing campaign is great-ish. now, i bet you're saying, hey, these new cans of soup can't get and more dope. hail to the nah because they come in a bag now, biatch! yeah! ( applause ) look at that guy. look at that guy right there. he's going, "what up, soup?" ( laughter ) jam a straw in it, okay. it's like capri soup. and because it's so hip, home slice, you're not going to see ads on the tv. no, that's for squares. you gotta surf over to the gamble's go web site emy, tumblir graphics that capture the spirit and energy one asso
of zen. ♪ ♪ >> the subject of tonight's particulars. america, our nation is at risk of squandering its proud progressions of hard work sobriety, and calvinism because the irish, a slacker group who just wants stuff and who corpse beef, anyway? beef was meant to be boiled. to lynch it of its captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group can. >> stephen: tonight, scandal at the c.i.a. why can't clare danes get her ( bleep ) together? ( laughter ) then can meth be medicine? four out of five spieds, or your face say yes. and my guest chris stringer is a paleoanthropologist who says all humans came from africa. see, i told you obama was from kenya. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the president is about to pardon a turkey. what did the turkey know about benghazi? ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, wher
with the united states split into two territories, new real america. >> jon: wait let me guess the blue states are now the united states of oversensitivity. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: it's a little funny. >> no that's actually the name of the new blue state country. that's not funny, jon. >> they knew you would make fun of them. >> jon: i didn't realize that. >> 2016 once again and i know this sounds crazy it's going to come down 125 to ohio or as it's known in its bifurcated state is ohio and ohio. >> jon: i guess that's, the last one is the blue state gay one. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: from the 2016 election desk. we always hear from -- she interviews undecided voters. this year was no different. >> that's right, jon. i sat down with a group of undecided voters just hours before the polls opened. last night, the night before the election with just eight hours until the polls opened, i sat down with some of these undecided morons to help them make up their minds. every debate i have to sit there and watch people like you middle with their [bleep] dials on your [bleep] happy
had a new obama scandal every week. he was a secret muslim; wasn't born in america; doesn't have a birth certificate; and was trained by joseph stalin, jeremiah wright, and general grievous. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] it's like we've run out of ways to make obama seem like a menacing "other." until tonight. folks, the report you're about to see is so explosive, that if you're not wearing socks, please go put some on. because i don't want to blow your feet off. [ laughter ] jim? i've been a fighter pie lot. i've run for president. i've been an astronaut. i've fought a minataur. i've seen things that would blow your mind. but this changes everything. on tonight's edition of this changes everything. you've heard a lot about obama. i think president obama is dangerous. >> he's a socialist who believes in the redistribution of wealth. >> he doesn't believe there's a fundamental right to have a handgun. >> he studied the koran at a muslim school. >> he will kill us all. >> stephen: but what you are about to hear will change everything. from deep inside long-term parking in port
in a bunch over something i said in my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) this thing makes a great christmas gift for wherever canadian pris mass is. here it's december 25, the i know everything is metric up there so i'm going to say the 57.2 eighth of kilovember. according to the canadian broadcasting corporation, fox in canada are ootranged about my chapter of energy where i say "before we can harness geothermal power we have to take the planet's temperature with a geothermometer and i have no idea where the earth's rectum is." (cheers and applause) and the footnote reads "windsor, canada." (laughter and applause) okay, now don't get them a twist canucks. that's a misquote. the footnote actually reads "windsor, canada?" question mark! it's a question. as a journalist, it's my job to ask these probing questions. could the earth's rectum be windsor? i don't know. it could just as easily be winnipeg. (laughter) besides, okay, this could be a net positive for windsor. just look at this actual poll at the bottom of the canadian broadc
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 64 (some duplicates have been removed)